The Darkest of Days, The Bleakest of Nights: A Humorous Life
by AwfulSummary-DecentStory
Summary: In which Naruto leads one hilarious life.
1. Wake Up, Get Up, Get Out There

It's the dead of night and I'm sat on the edge of a bed that's not mine. I look over my shoulder and see a pool of inky black curls and milky white skin. A pleasant sight for almost any guy to wake up to, but it just makes my stomach feel like it's on its way to the floor. My eyes burn as my memory of the last few hours return to me. My mouth dries up and my head begins to pound and now my _fucking_ eyes are leaking. I need to get out of here.

I slide off the bed slowly, careful not to make it creak or disturb the still sleeping (what the fuck should I call her? I don't want to use her name, but I do know her. Whatever. She's a bitch now, so I'll call her that.) bitch. I look around the bedroom (that's honestly twice the size of my apartment and just thinking about that now pisses me off and fuck I'm still angry crying) and see my clothes scattered here and there. I pull each piece on one by one as I head for the slightly open door and just as I set my hand on the knob the bitch speaks.

"Where are you going?" She sounds groggy. The fact she was sleeping so soundly irks me to no end.

"Home." My voice comes out a little choked, so I clear my throat and say it again, more firmly. "I need to go home."

She doesn't say anything. I can hear her shifting around in bed. She's getting up. "It's late. You don't need to be out on your own this time of night." She comes up behind me and rests her head on top of mine (I really hate being short) and pulls me to her with her arms wrapped around me. She's warm and I can feel her chest on me. This... physical intimacy loosens the knot in my stomach and I bite my lip in frustration because of this. I don't want to feel comfortable.

"I'll feel so lonely without you too." She yawns and her hands start to rub me. Circles on my chest and up and down my belly. Ugh, what the fuck. It stops then comes back tenfold? My stomach is twisting around like crazy now, and my head feels like it's going to split open. "Come back to bed," she says.

I pull out of her embrace and swing open the door. With some distance between us I turn back and see her standing on the other side of the doorway completely nude, staring at me with drowsy hooded eyes. My teeth dig into my lip even more because, as much as I hate to say it, she really is one hundred percent sex appeal (I seriously just thought that...). Her body is slender and muscular yet curvaceous and sporting just the right amount of fat to fill her out. Her lips are pouty and the way she's looking at me makes me think she's ready for a meal and that breaks me out of my wonderment and sets me straight.

"Sasuke always come to get me in the morning for training. You know that. If I'm not there he's going to worry."

She looks unsatisfied with my answer and for a second I think she's going to just grab me and force me to stay. She doesn't. She just sighs and turns her back on me.

"Fine. Leave me. I'll just be here all on my own in this big empty bed in this big empty house." Her words are overemphasized and drawn out, but I still almost feel a little guilty about leaving. Almost. She giggles as she slips back into bed and keeps her back to me as she gets comfortable. "It's okay. Just make sure to lock up behind yourself and make sure you get home safely. I'll catch you later." Those last words didn't sound as jovial(?) as the rest.

Before I know it the bitch is asleep again. Bitch. I'm putting my clothes on faster now and heading straight for the front door. I stuff my feet into my sandals and head out with my head down. I close the door and walk off.

I come back and check the knob to make sure it's locked.

The walk back to my place is long seeing as I'm nearly on the other side of the village and not currently in the mood to dash my ass there. I feel like shit. Useless. Worthless and worn out. This isn't the first time I've felt like this, but it sure has been a long time since I have. Also I'm tired as fuck. I'm almost tempted to go to Sasuke's place right now since the old Uchiha compound isn't all that far from my current location. He definitely wouldn't mind having me over for the remainder of the night despite probably complaining about the hour of my visit. I decide not to in the end.

Showing up to my cousin's place with watery eyes and tear streaks on my cheeks will probably raise questions from him I rather not answer. I'll just keep going at this slow pace until I get to my crummy apartment in forty minutes.

I actually arrive in thirty-five minutes. Maybe. I don't actually have a way to check the time considering I don't own a watch and my phone was recently split in two in a freak training accident (I put my phone in my shuriken pouch and threw it to deflect an incoming volley of Sasuke's shuriken. Turns out shuriken are pretty sharp.). It just feels like I got here sooner than I thought I would.

Whatever. I'm indoors. I'm going to bed. Try not to think about tonight anymore, Naruto. Close your eyes to the world and sleep. Goodnight, me!

* * *

**A/N:** To anyone who cares, I am continuing to write **A Painful Sort of**** Love**. It's not on the back burner. The next chapter will be about 6k. I'm just putting the finishing touches on it.

This is just something I wrote in the span of an hour or so (it probably shows). I may or may not continue. Tell me what you think of it.


	2. Fakin' It

I'm in the shower when I hear my door open. Even with the lukewarm water running full force, gradually growing colder, I can make out Sasuke telling me he's in and has breakfast. I turn the handle for the hot water completely off and increase the cold to speed up my routine. This icy water feels so good.

When I step out of my bathroom I'm greeted to the sight of my cousin sat cross-legged in front of my coffee/dinner table. He's already eating and my portion is laid out across from him.

I take my seat across from him and clap my hands together and offer a prayer. "Itadakimasuttebayo." As I start to eat I can feel his eyes on me and practically hear the deepening of the glare on his face.

"Put some fucking clothes on please."

In a minute I've snatched my towel from my waist and thrown on my usual outfit sans(?) my jacket. I'm back in place at the table and Sasuke has all but finished his meal.

"Better?"

"Much."

I'm finally chowing down now. Sasuke has cleaned his plate and sits with his phone in hand as he waits for me to finish. He looks up before I do.

"We need to get you a new phone soon. This old lady at the market last night gave me a bunch of free tomatoes. I wanted your help preparing them in different ways and canning them."

The thought of staying up late into the night with Sasuke making tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, crushed tomatoes, and whatever the fuck kind of tomatoes doesn't really sound all that appealing to me. Then again, given the alternative to that being what happened last night... Whoa there. Almost revisted those memories a _little_ too soon. Shoo, shoo. Back into the vault you go.

"Meh. I'll get one once I've saved up from missions. If you really need me you can just find me here or at Ichiraku."

He shakes his head at me and makes a very Sasuke-like face. "Showing up in the morning is one thing since your place isn't too far out of the way of our meeting area, but like hell I'm coming this way every time I need to talk with you about something. We're going to ask the old man to release some of our funds so we can get that new phone. Today."

I return the scowl he's giving me but end up relenting way sooner than he would have.

"Fine, _mom_."

We gather up our dishes and wash them quickly before heading out to meet with the rest of our team. The day feels pleasant enough with just my t-shirt and mesh undershirt so I end up leaving my jacket tied around my waist.

The streets are just beginning to swell with the other villagers on their ways to their workplaces when we reach the bridge serving as our team meeting place. Up against the railing and looking listlessly into the stream below her is Sakura. She looks up once she notices us drawing near and beams all too brightly at Sasuke, so much so he slightly cringes beside me.

"Yo," I say, bringing her attention to me. She doesn't look too happy to see me, but she never is when she sees me and Sasuke show up together which is nearly always. Even back in the academy Sakura and the other girls were always agitated beyond belief when they saw the two of us seated or doing anything together. I think they thought we were _involved_.

"Naruto," Sakura says none too sweetly. To be fair, her attitude toward me may indeed be warranted considering I have (on multiple occasions) told her how I wish to eat her hair (it's just so pink and soft and smells so much like cotton candy...). She huffs and redirects to Sasuke with some of the most lovey-dovey eyes I've seen her make yet.

"Good morning, Sasuke-kun."

"Hn," Sasuke replies. He stops on the opposite side of the bridge railing with me trailing a few steps behind. Rather than taking the hint and leaving well enough alone, Sakura saunters up beside him with a big stupid grin slapped on her face (hey, isn't that my thing?). I can't help but snicker at how he inwardly and outwardly deflates.

Nearly an hour later Kakashi arrives to finally pick up his loitering genin. He pats both Sasuke and Sakura on their heads and me he pinches on the cheek. Damn these chubby cheeks of mine. There must be something about them that causes other people to develop a sudden urge to 'abuse the cutie'.

The day goes by pretty much the same as any other. Kakashi first has us head to our training area and engages us in a brief warm-up consisting of calisthenics and basic taijutsu katas while he reads Icha Icha. From there he splits us up; two of us practice tree climbing and general chakra control while the other engages in one-on-one instruction with Kakashi (still reading Icha Icha). After a full rotation, the morning training finishes with a 3v1 spar against Kakashi (who has finally put down his book... Just to pick up the next in the series) who naturally wipes the floor with us. After that he treats us to lunch and we clear three bland as hell D-rank missions and he dismisses us for the day.

"Sasuke-kun!" Just after Kakashi disappears Sakura is charging past me and right at Sasuke. She actually wings me a bit and nearly knocks me on my ass right in the middle of the street outside of the adminstrative building we had just left. I take it in stride but going by his looks, Sasuke is none too pleased with her as she latches onto his arm.

"I've got some time before I have to be back home, so what do you say you and I spend it getting to know each other a little better. Why, you can even come over for dinner tonight if you don't have any plans. I'm sure my mom won't mind setting a place for you."

Ooh, nice combo, Sakura! Pushing your (admittedly somewhat underdeveloped) bust up against his arm while luring him with the promise of a nice mom-made meal should break even the likes of Sasuke.

"I'll pass. Naruto and I have some business to take care of." He shrugs away from her grasp and leaves her looking dumbfounded.

Aha. Can't forget this is Sasuke we're talking about, not your average boy. A little bit of titty and the prospect of food won't incline him to spend time with you. Myself on the other hand...

"Ehhh. I don't know about you, but I can go for some grub. Why don't we both head over to Sakura-chan's place instead? I'm sure we can take care of whatever we need to do tomorrow."

For a moment Sakura looks at me with her face all twisted up probably in preparation to decline my self-invitation to dinner, but the realization suddenly dawns on her that if I'm around Sasuke will more than likely be too, so she looks up at him with hope in her pretty little green eyes and-

"Sorry, no." You're not sorry. Bastard. "We're taking care of this today. No putting it off."

Aw, man. Sakura looks so sad. I want to hug her. And drink in a deep whiff of her hair while I'm at it. Maybe suck a few strands. She's so shocked from her umpteenth rejection maybe she'll just let me. Ah. No. She's turning toward me now, and she looks anything but downtrodden as she rushes at me with her hands extended and HEY! This isn't my fault, so why am I being assaulted? I tried to help you if nothing else, so please stop pinching my cheeks! Her face is all pouty and red and man, oh man, she's so adorable when she's on the verge of tears (I think my abusers are rubbing off on me) but _god it hurts_.

Sasuke does nothing but stand idly by as he waits for Sakura to finish venting out her frustrations on me, and the other villagers do much the same as they walk by, look, laugh, and keep on walking. Does this get you off, you sick fucks? Help me!

When she's decided she's heard enough of my anguished screams, Sakura lets go and storms off with not another word said between the three of us.

Sasuke then starts to walk off and with some effort I trail behind him.

"Why didn't you pull her off me, jerkass?"

"I felt you deserved some punishment for trying to play wingman."

I just wanted some fucking mom food, man.

The administration building isn't far from the Hokage's office and village affairs building so we reach it in no time at all, and surprisingly enough, there's no wait to see the old man. When we enter his office he's sat down with a pen in hand and a phone in the other. He raises a finger signaling us to wait.

"So the power levels last night did fluctuate, but they're all steady now? ...Good. Did you discover a cause for the change? ...I see. Continue to look into it. Let me know immediately if you observe any more changes."

Hmm. Power levels and fluctuations in it? I have no idea what he's talking about, but it sure does sound important.

Once the old man's done with the call he writes something down real quick and slips the paper inside his desk. We've got his full attention now and he's smiling at us expectantly.

"What's up, old dude? Can we have some money?" Just as quick as the words leave my mouth I feel a sharp pain in my ribs. Sasuke's giving me that very 'him' look from the corner of his eyes again.

"Good evening, _Hokage-sama_."

"Good evening to you as well, Sasuke. Naruto." He's sighing, but I can still see a smile on his face.

"It's just as the idiot says." Hey fuck you, man. "We're here to ask you to allow us to withdraw some funds from the Uchiha trust. Naruto destroyed his phone in a training accident. I figured it's a better idea to take a pinch off all the money sitting in that account than to use what little we make from our missions."

Needless to say, the old man approves our request with little argument. He writes us a check more than covering the cost of the lastest model smartphone. The extra is for dinner or something. We say our thanks and prepare to head out.

"Oh, Naruto, can you stay behind for a moment please? You can continue on ahead, Sasuke. I won't keep him too long." The old man speaks up right as we're walking out. I look over to Sasuke who's already partway out the door. Like me he looks curious about what the old man wants with me but just shrugs and walks out.

Guess I'll shrug too. "Sure. What's up, old man?"

He opens his desk back and pulls out the paper he had been writing on before. He stares at it then looks back up at me. What's this all about I wonder?

"Naruto, did anything happen last night?"

Ah. Why did he ask me that? Does he know? How? All of a sudden, the thoughts I had kept at bay for the majority of the day begin to enter my head, bringing along a bitch of a headache with them. Ahhh, my stomach is starting to hurt too.

I'm gripping my stomach and slowly but steadily I can feel my face changing from what must have been obvious shock to something ugly. Although I don't say anything this must give him a clear enough answer.

"Yeah."

The old man's eyes are unreadable to me. He looks on edge. Well, as on edge as I've ever seen him. He's still sitting in his big chair looking pretty relaxed.

"Something relating to the fox?"

Uh. No? The fuck? I guess he doesn't know then. In that case what the fuck is he talking about? The confusion I feel must be just as evident as my other emotions since he speaks again before I do.

"You're gripping your stomach."

Oh yeah. Now that he mentions it, I am. The way my stomach hurts, how it hurt last night, it's a pain I had years ago realized had nothing to do with my bowels and would come in times of great mental distress. About a month ago I discovered it was caused by the demon fox sealed in me, when I learned of said demon fox's existence. Exactly why it happens I don't know.

I wonder what made him ask me about it in the first place. Was he watching me through his crystal ball or having someone tail me? If so, he should have caught some glimpse of what happened to me, but I think if he knew what else went on last night he would have led with questioning me about that. So the question is, should I tell him about it?

Hah. Dumb question, right? A small part of me thinks I should tell him (knows I should tell him), but the larger stupider part of me worries about the repercussions of doing so. To that person and those connected to us both. Although he only says it lightheartedly, Sasuke is right. I'm a fucking idiot.

"Yeah. Last night my stomach... the seal began to hurt again."

The old man waits for me to say more. He's incredibly patient with me. I feel bad about the fact he won't get anymore out of me.

"And?" he says in an attempt to get me to go on.

I doubt he'll let me go without giving him something. "I was thinking about how me and Sasuke still can't live together. I know why you won't let us but still... He's the only family I've got, and I'm all he has." I lie. Well, it's not completely untrue. I hadn't been thinking about it to the point of it causing me stomach pains but it is a frequent train of thought that crosses my mind.

The old man exhales and nods his head at me. "I see." Seems I've succeeded in making him uncomfortable. Considering he's personally denied us the right to live together fifteen times just over the past two years he should be. Well, at least we landed on the same team thanks to me being bottom of the graduating class.

"I am afraid there isn't much I can do in regard to that matter." Of course not, but that doesn't matter right now.

"It's cool. Is there anything else you need to know, old man?"

"No, I reckon not."

With a wave and a "goodbye" I'm out of the office. I find Sasuke waiting for me outside, hands in his pockets and admiring the setting sun. I stand near him and do the same. Already I can feel the pains in my head and stomach lessening.

"Everything cool?" he asks.

I answer him with as toothy a smile I can manage. "Yeah, everything's cool."

* * *

**A/N:** Well, here's chapter 2 of this shit. If you got this far may as well share your thoughts.


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